The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
