He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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