speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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