I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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