new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
