Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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