it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she peed on how many people?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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