I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
