Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
