so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So many bounce houses so little time
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
