____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she woke up with a sticky ear
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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