My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
