I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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