I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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