the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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