Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
