On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
