I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
