I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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