Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
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