I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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