do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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