why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
