Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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