I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
