So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
