I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
