I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
