You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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