I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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