My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
