Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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