i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
