Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
