I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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