and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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