I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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