I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
