I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
