OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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