shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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