if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Randomize
