nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
