Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
