mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
