Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
