she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
