One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
