Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
