fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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