so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
