walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
