Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
