She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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