Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
