Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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