I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
